Drink The Poison Lightly

I’m in such a funk lately, and I wish I had someone to help me with it. I remember when I was little, I’d go to my mom for everything. She was always my comfort. There was a time when I was real young, I had to have been 5 or younger, we were playing around, and she accidentally hit me really hard in the nose. I remember being so mad at her, but all I wanted was to climb into her arms, have her play with my hair and make me feel better. I’m always reminded of that when I hear that saying “It’s sad when the only person who can make you feel better, is the person who hurt you in the first place.” I know it was said about a completely different situation, but that’s what I always think of. 

Over the years, growing up, so much has happened, so much has changed, I don’t go to her for anything anymore. It makes me really sad to realize how different we are now. I get jealous when I see other people, other adults, with such a great relationship with their parents. I see people saying “I’m sick, I want my mommy.” “I can’t wait to tell my mom about this.” “I miss my mom.” etc. I don’t get those feelings, and to a point, it makes me mad. When I’m sick, I do want my mom, but I want the mom I had when I was 5, I hardly even know the woman she is anymore, and that doesn’t comfort me. I don’t think of her first when I have exciting news. I don’t really miss her, even though I feel like I should. I miss the mom I use to have. 

I’m just sad. I’m having a very hard time with certain things in my life, and I have no one to go to.. I’m not close enough to anyone to go cry on their shoulders, and that’s what I want, that’s what I need. I have Zane, I go to him a lot. He helps me, but it’s not the same.